Return of The Body
by BlackNailsPurpleHair
Summary: A short story on what happens when skulduggery is kidnapped and had experiments done on him. Disclaimer: all characters in this story belong to Derek Landy.


**Return of the body**

Skulduggery pleasant tilted his hat back and flexed his hand pushing Valkyrie Cain against the wall of his living room. He took a few steps towards her his head tilted down in what can only be described as an evil stare. The evilest you'll ever see on a dead man. "Ah Skulduggery what are you doing?" she asked a little scared. Ever since Skulduggery had been captured by that evil sorcerous he'd been acting a little well, off shall we say?

*Flashback*

Tanith Low kicked the guy with the horrible haircut and the bad breath in the stomach and he collapsed back onto the floor with a huff. Valkyrie ran over to Skulduggery who was strapped to a torture table singing 'I write sins not tragedies, by Panic the disco!' at the top of his voice. When Valkyrie had successfully got him unlocked from the magic binding cuffs that held him down Skulduggery sat up throwing himself at Valkyrie in an attempt to hug her apparently forgetting he has had his legs and one of his arms removed. "Valarie Cash!' he yelled excitedly as he crashed into her and the both toppled to the floor. "Ouch!" Valkyrie said sitting them both up. Skulduggery still had his remaining arm wrapped around her neck and was sitting on her lap. "Oh babe how I've missed you" he said. "Um I think something's wrong with Skulduggery" She called to the others. "No kidding 'Valarie'" Tanith said walking over followed close behind by Ghastly. Ghastly picked Skulduggery up off of Valkyrie and Tanith helped her to her feet. Ghastly put Skulduggery back on the table and he promptly started to put himself back together hitting Ghastly with his severed leg after he tried to offer a better solution when the leg wouldn't fit in the arm socket.

They took Skulduggery to Doctor Nye who told them that Skulduggery was suffering from some kind of post dramatic stress and the best thing to do would just to take him home and keep an eye on him. He should be back to normal in a few hours.

*end of flashback*

Doctor Nye's diagnosis is what caused them to be in this situation in the first place. Ghastly and Tanith had dropped Valkyrie and Skulduggery back and Skulduggery's house where Valkyrie had promised to call them if she had any issues. She had sat Skulduggery down on the couch and he instantly fell asleep, funny she hadn't known he could sleep. He always said he couldn't but surly he was sleeping as he never snored when he was meditating. He had woken up an hour later and went to find Valkyrie reading on of his books in the kitchen. "Hello beautiful" he said walking in. He opened his fridge door and pulled out a slice of pizza left over from Valkyries stay two days ago. Valkyrie watched curiously as he bit into the slice and imitated the chewing motion. She heard a small tap and looked down to see the bight size piece of pizza lying on the floor at his feet. Skulduggery took another bite and this time Valkyrie watch carefully noticing the small lump as it slid down the leg of his pants and out onto the floor.

Apparently bored with the slice of pizza Skulduggery abandoned it on the kitchen table and walked out of the room. Valkyrie got up and followed him. He went into his bedroom and opened his draw pulling out a comb. Why he had a comb Valkyrie didn't know since he didn't have hair and hadn't for many years. He started combing his imaginary hair after a while he shook his head apparently not happy with the hair style only he could see. "Skulduggery are you alright?" Valkyrie asked. He acted as though he couldn't hear her and walked towards his bathroom stripping of as he went. Valkyrie watched him completely confused by what she was seeing.

Skulduggery turned on the shower and stepped in. He grabbed the shampoo and started rubbing it into his scalp until it was covered with bubbles. Then he grabbed the soap and started singing into it like it was a microphone. This time singing 'I'm addicted to you, by Simply Plan' apparently he has been listening to her iPod lately. Watching a skeleton shower and sing like their on stage is both creepy and amusing he didn't seem to notice she was in the room. He climbed out wrapped himself in a towel and went into his bed room. He got dressed in a pair of PJ pants and went into the lounge room sitting down on the couch. As soon as he did he seemed to go into a bit of a trance staring at the wall for about 3 minutes.

He suddenly turned to Valkyrie and tilted his head "Valkyrie what are you doing here?" "Skulduggery?" he shook his head then looked at her again. "Sweetie what are you doing up, did you have a nightmare?" he asked her. "Skulduggery it Valkyrie" a tear rolled out of his empty eye socket and Valkyrie double took. No it was defiantly a tear. He held out his hand to her and she didn't know what made her take it but she did. He sat her down on his lap and started patting her hair. "Oh honey, do you want to tell me about your dream?" he sat nodding his head as though she was telling him a story. "well honey you know both your mother and I love you and were not going anywhere I promise you" he pressed his jaw to her head like he was kissing her forehead then pulled her head down resting it on his collar bone. "I love you honey"

Skulduggery fell asleep again and Valkyrie climbed off and looked at him. She watched his hollow chest rise and fall as though he had lungs. She watched his jaw move slightly as he mumbled in his sleep. She stepped forward and laid her hand on his ribs above where his missing heart should be. She jumped back falling on the floor in her rush to get away when she felt the small vibration of his absent heartbeat. The crash she made when she hit the ground made Skulduggery wake up. He stood up and stepped forward. He put his hand where Valkyries had been and awkwardly took another step. "Valkyrie what is happening?" he asked her, his voice filled with fear. He collapsed to the ground and she rushed to him. "Hey babe when did you get home?" he said looking up at her. She shrunk back confused by his constant changes. "What's wrong darling?" he asked. She stood up and stepped backwards. He followed her up stepping closer. He reached out to touch her and she slapped his hand away. He looked down and when he looked back up he looked the whole room had felt like it had changed temperature, Valkyrie swore it had dropped 10 degrees. He picked his hat up off of the couch and put it on his head.

Skulduggery pleasant tilted his hat back and flexed his hand pushing Valkyrie Cain against the wall of his living room. He took a few steps towards her his head tilted down in what can only be described as an evil stare. The evilest you'll ever see on a dead man. "Ah Skulduggery what are you doing?" she asked a little scared. He stepped towards her and rested his hands either side of her head. He looked straight at her so that Valkyrie was forced to stare straight into the deep dark eye sockets. She was always confused as to why she couldn't see the back of his skull. She thought it odd that this thought would occur to her now. She also noticed that his eyes that always seemed warm and inviting were completely cold and dead it made her feel as though she was falling into a dark, damp endless pit. This made her ever more scared. Valkyrie could feel him smile at her even though he couldn't show it. Then he lent in and pressed his jaw softly against her lips.

It was odd to kiss a skull especially when Valkyrie realized she was being forced to kiss a skull. She had no say in the matter her body just did it, automatically kissing him back. She moved her mouth against his jaw and felt him follow in the movement stepping closer and pressing his waist against her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his neck deepening the kiss. Skulduggery opened his jaw wider and Valkyrie stuck her tongue in his mouth. She could have sworn that her tongue was met with another. Now that her eyes were closed and she had stopped thinking about how wrong it was to be kissing both a skeleton and her mentor she had begun to feel as though she wasn't kissing a skull at all but a normal human being she even felt his lips and if she didn't know better she might have mistaken skulduggery for being alive. He suddenly pulled away and looked into her eyes again. "Valkyrie" he said quietly the collapsed to the floor no longer moving. He wasn't asleep this time, she knew because he was no longer breathing. She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and quickly called Tanith.

"This is one of the oddest things I've ever seen. I would like to do tests on him, just a few decapitations and such" Nye said stepping out of his operating theatre. "No Nye!" Valkyrie said firmly. "Fine he wants to see you" the tall creature said before walking away. Valkyrie got up and walked into the theatre leaving a sleeping Tanith and Ghastly where they were seated. She couldn't believe what she seen. Skulduggery was laying in bed smiling at her, yes smiling and this time she couldn't just feel the smile she could see it.

His face was pale and he had black hair with a fringe that covered his left eye. He had bright blue eyes and an adorable smile. "Skulduggery?" see asked dubious. He nodded and sat up in bed revealing his bare, muscular but skin covered chest. She covered her mouth with her hand and almost squealed. She would off if it wasn't so girly and lame. "Wow!" she said smiling behind her hand. She bolted towards the bed and jumped up onto the end. She wrapped her arms around his neck in a bone crushing hug. He laughed and pulled her away "how?" she asked. He shrugged his shoulders. "Something the sorcerous done when he was tormenting me" "So this is what you looked like before you died?" he nodded "wow!" she repeated hugging him again. He laughed lying back on the bed taking her with him.

Tanith and Ghastly entered the room looking at the two lying on the bed. "Valkyrie who are you…" Tanith started but was cut off by Ghastly "Skulduggery is that you?" he asked. Skulduggery sat up leaning on one elbow and nodded. "Hey Ghastly" he said. "Skulduggery?" Tanith asked again turning to Ghastly. He nodded and went over to the side of Skulduggery's bed. Valkyrie got up and went to her friend who was pretending to be a fish.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Skulduggery asked Valkyrie. Ghastly had dropped them off at Skulduggery's house. Skulduggery telling him that he would take Valkyrie home. "Um sure if that's what you want" she said. He smiled and unlocked the door stepping inside. "What do you want for dinner?" Skulduggery asked. "Pizza" she said straight away "all you ever want is Pizza" he shook his head but ordered one anyway. The pizza arrived 30 minutes later and they lay on the floor eating. Skulduggery seemed to have issues with this after not eating for centuries, this made Valkyrie laugh and he kept scowling at her. Valkyrie got full and watched Skulduggery finish eating. "Skulduggery how old we're you when you died?" she asked curiously. "25 why?" "You don't look a day over 17" She said "neither do you" "that's because I'm only 3 months over 17" "Oh yeah sometimes I forget" "cause I act so old and mature" "no cause you act so young and immature" she scowled and he laughed. "Do you remember your change?" she asked him. He shook his head "no sorry I don't, was it funny?" "No scary actually" she said looking down. Skulduggery placed his hand on her arm "what did I do" you at a slice of cold pizza that fell through you bones, brushed your no existent hair, had a shower, asked me if I was having a nightmare, kissed me and then fainted" she said the last bit quickly. "I kissed you?" he asked picking up on it despite her speed. She nodded looking away. "And what did you do?" she squeezed her eyes shut and turned bright red. "You kissed me back didn't you" she smiled covering her face with her hands.

Skulduggery shover the pizza box out from between them and scooted closer. He pulled her hands away from her face and pressed their lips together before he could lose his nerve. He knew how wrong it was to be kissing his student, someone hundreds of years younger than himself but he just didn't care anymore, he wasn't dead anymore and because of that he was going to live. He loved Valkyrie and he was going to tell her.

Valkyrie flinched when he kissed her then she kissed him back putting her hand on his face. He pulled away "I love you Valkyrie Cain" he said smiling. "I love you too" she said. I crawled over to her so that she was lying on her back and he was leaning over her. He kissed her again.

Valkyrie woke up lying naked in Skulduggery's bed. She had her head on his chest and his arms were wrapped around her waist. She smiled at the memories of the night before. Skulduggery shifted under her and she sat up there was something wrong. She looked down at the skeleton detective who was again a skeleton. "Oh no…" she said quietly. Skulduggery sat up and touched her shoulder. He went stiff and she realized he had noticed his hands were bone. "Dammit!" he said angrily. He climbed out of bed and stormed out of the room. Valkyrie heard a loud bang and ran out of bed wrapped in the sheet. She found skulduggery sitting naked on the bathroom floor surrounded by shards of glass from the broken mirror he had just punched. "I need to see him" he said getting up.

Skulduggery stormed through the sanctuary his mind set on the task at hand. He went straight to the dungeon stormed right up to that cage that held his captive. "What did you do to me and how do I get it back?" "Ah I knew you would like it" "how?" he yelled banging his hands against the bars. "I will ask two things of you before I can fix you" "or I could just shoot you" he said pulling out his gun. "Then you'll never get to have you precious Valkyrie again and you so did love it, it's written all over you" if skulduggery could blush he would of and this made him angry. "Fine what do you want?" he asked between gritted teeth. "First of all I want my freedom; secondly I want the orb of soloes" "why would you want the orb?" "I have my reasons" "fine!" he turned and walked away.

"You know I will love you either way" Valkyrie said. They were sitting in the Bentley outside of the sanctuary. They were waiting for the sun to go down and everyone to retire to their rooms. They could have asked Ghastly to release their prisoner whose name no one knows. However if they asked Ghastly he might have caught onto the reason why Skulduggery would want a body so bad. So instead they were scoping out the place waiting for their break in and rescue plan to take place. "I know" he said leaning across to kiss her. She smiled and kissed him back.

They walked in the front door because as skulduggery always says 'no one ever expects the obvious' the walked calmly through the place nodding to the cleavers. Once in the prison Skulduggery pulled out a small cube and placed it on the floor. He pressed to button and bright white light filled the room.

Their captive found himself outside of his cell which had apparently melted. "Here" the skeleton detective said throwing him his gun. He caught it awkwardly and gave him a confused look. The detective looked at him like he was an idiot the grabbed his arm and threw it around Valkyries neck holding the gun to her head. He clicked his fingers and summoned a flame just as the cleavers and rest of the sanctuary agents burst into the room. "Relax and let Valkyrie go" Skulduggery said slowly. The captive shook his head confused and stepped back taking Valkyrie with him mostly because she was holding his arm around her neck. "Tell them you want to go free" Valkyrie whispered "let me ah go" he said shakily. "Ok whatever you want" skulduggery said sounding scared. Everyone moved aside as Valkyrie guided the captive backwards out of the sanctuary making it look as though she was being pulled along. "I'll go get him" Skulduggery said running of into the night after his partner.

"Moron!" skulduggery said as he got out of his Bentley and walked up through the grave stones. Valkyrie was sitting on one and a terrified looking captive was standing next to her. "What's his problem?" Skulduggery asked. "He's scared of ghosts" she said matter of factly. "Here" Skulduggery said thrusting a small clear ball the size of his palm into their captive's hand. "We held up our end of the deal now it's your turn" he said. "Ah ok, take this and put it in a bath full of water, once dissolved climb into the bath and stay there for an hour. You flesh will return and remain. You will be effectively alive again" skulduggery took the purple crystal he was holding out. They detective duo turned to leave but just before they did skulduggery turned back. "By the way what is your name?" he asked. "Eric" the man said simply. Skulduggery nodded and walked away into the night.

Skulduggery emerged from the water and hour later and stood in front of the mirror watching as tendons, muscles then organs and skin grew over his body. Valkyrie stood leaning against the wall watching to. "So it really does work" she said looking him up and down. "Yeah baby it does" skulduggery said excitedly. "Good" she said pulling her shirt over her head "we've got a lot to catch up on" Skulduggery's smile grew as Valkyrie pounced on him.

Meanwhile Eric sat in a white room inside the orb. It was a bare empty endless room and he sat in the middle laughing like mad. "Finally alone" he yelled "finally alone". The orb was designed to hold some of the worst criminals in the world hold them and never let them go. They wouldn't age, wouldn't die and would never escape. All they had was themselves and endless white and Eric loved every last inch of it. "All alone"

The End…


End file.
